Ibland skäms jag över hur trasig jag blev. Jag menar, det var inte som att du slog mig eller så. Vi fick ett dåligt slut och du blev elak, men mer än så var det inte. Ändå har det gått ett år och jag kan inte tänka på dig. Jag tror att jag skulle dö om jag såg dig, eller kanske bara hörde din röst. Jag tror det faktiskt.
Varför kan man gå sönder såhär, när den man älskar lämnar en? Får man ha såhär ont då? Får en person påverka en så otroligt mycket? Kan det verkligen vara tillåtet, undrar jag. Du dödade mig, det gjorde du.
Jag kommer nog dö flera gånger under min livstid men aldrig så som första gången. Och aldrig kommer jag älska någon som jag älskade dig, jag tror varken jag kan eller vågar.
Kommer du kunna älska så gränslöst igen eller blev du också skadad? Jag undrar om jag också dödade dig.
it’s okay to miss someone that was unhealthy for you
it’s okay to miss someone and not want to go back to them
it’s okay to miss someone that hurt or left you
emotional attachments don’t just disappear – take your time
YOU KILLED ME YOU KILLED ME YOU KILLED ME I HATE YOU
LEAVE ME ALONE
I’M DEAD
DEAD
YOU FUCKING KILLED ME
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i live on countdown. thirty-three days until i am done with this. twenty-something until christmas, until new years. only three days of work before a day of rest. just eight more classes until i graduate. just one more year until i’m out of here. just. just. just this moment itself kind of feels like i’m both wasting it and wasting in it. like it’s killing me to be here and live through it but i know when i look back it will seem like it passed in an instant. already i’m worrying that i’m missing the best of things. already i’m worrying that it doesn’t get better on the other side of this. that i reach the end of the countdown just for another one to begin. like i don’t know how to survive without a clock telling me there’s ten days before he goes away again or there’s six years before i have to buy a house or there’s only so much time left before my youth runs out. how do you plan for the future and also live in the moment. how do you keep your childhood joy and also obsess about what happens two years from now.
i just want off the ledge. i want to be someone who doesn’t care what happens next. i want to be someplace that whatever happens, happens. that i’m not worried about the end.
Önskar jag fick radera 2016
Allt skit skedde här
Fan
Jag gjorde dumma saker
Du lämnade mig
Jag dog
Dog
Dog
Dog
Tusen gånger om
Hatar kärlek
Vill dö
Du var mitt fucking allt
Most of all though, it was you who I wanted to tell that I was hurting. You were the one I wanted to explain to that if I had my heart in my hands instead of my chest, I’d be able to watch it beat in pain to the beat of, “I’m hurting I’m hurting I’m hurting and you’re just watching”.
But no one wants to hear about the pain they’ve inflicted. One moment you’re telling me you love me and the next you can’t even look me in the eyes anymore and the next we haven’t talked in 3 months and oh god oh god how is this happening oh-
But it was still you I wanted to turn to, even though I knew that you weren’t part of the team anymore. I wanted to beg my heart to let it go, God please, there’s no point in beating for you anymore. But my heart’s never listening and my head’s awful at communication, so if you’re looking for a heart, another one to add to your collection, you know my house is the one on the corner of our favorite intersection.
❞